lunchtime slot

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For those of you who want to listen LBC is on 97.3. I’m on air from 1-4. and for the short term on Sunday’s 3-5. Go to lbc.co.uk and click on the massive button that says listen live, if you’re listening on line and apparently it tells you how to listen again if you want … Read more

Numero Uno

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I arrived at LBC by 10.30’sh, having already had a new battery fitted in my car, done a big GREEN shop for food and tested the garage doors to see if they were working – they were.
Apart from the new battery being too big for my boot, all was well.
I sung along to Whitney Huston, bopping in my seat and clapping along to her wanting to dance with somebody, and nipping in and ot of the traffic to Shepherds Bush. One quick manouver down St. Annes Rd, and I arrived at LBC in time for a bowl of fruit and a chinwag.
My producer arrived and we set about the first ever programme.

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Assaulted Batteries

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This morning I made scrambled eggs, the Bill Grainger way, with loads of butter and cream. Hot bagels, smoked salmon and the freshest coffee you’ve ever tasted.
1 baby,1 mother, 1 father, 1 grandpa and 1 wicked step mother sat down and devoured the lot, in less than an hour.
We exchanged the last of our Christmas gifts and I set off for London for the forseeable future.
My car wouldn’t start.
Jonfan from next door jump started me, I cried, kissed Jim and off I went.

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RSVP

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It’s fifteen minutes past the midnight hour.
I’m waiting up to sing Happy Birthday to my girlfriend in New York.
Pammie is sitting down, with 15 friends, at 7pm in Brooklyn. I should have been at the table but this weekend was critical for both of us, me for the new job and she for reaching half a century.
I’ve sent her gifts.
When I was 50 I had nine women round my table in the cottage, each one from a special point in my life.
B and her friend Jessie waitressed whilst my friend Annie cooked. I asked for a 7 course meal all the colours of the rainbow. We had indigo potates if you please.
My women travelled from all parts of the Globe, Pammie flew in from New York with a huge black case on wheels.
After the first bottle of champagne I allowed everybody three complaints they could share with the rest of us.
Between the nine of us we covered, varicose veins, M.E., lower back pain, tennis elbow, writers block and piles.
We laughed so much that by the third bottle of bubbly my guest from Devon could hardly contain her incontinence.

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1-4 from 7-1-8

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Dear bloggers all,
Firstly let me say thank you to all of you for your greetings.
Secondly I hope you have all returned to some form of normality – whatever that is.
And thirdly, I hope you will have the decency to avert your eyes as I have dis-robed.
THE FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT OF 2008.
As some of you will be aware I have been clawing my way up the greasy pole of radio.
I slept with as many people as was necessary.
I bribed those of influence.
I networked my way round the bars and drinkings holes of the high and mighty.
It all paid off because just before Christmas I had a phone call from Rob the Agent.
‘Are you sitting down?’ he enquired.
I was indeed perched on a chair at the kitchen table due to my still insulted ankle.
‘How do you fancy five days a week starting on January 7th. Every lunchtime 1 through till 4..
I know I yelped because Jackson looked up from his bean bag.
I jumped up the better to sit down again.
‘How do I fancy it?’ Jim put his thumbs up, Jackson barked his appreciation. ‘Is the Pope a Catholic?’ I retorted.
At 5 o’clock the following morning I awoke thinking I was a victim of an elaborate hoax.
Rob the Agent called.
‘Has it sunk in yet? he beamed.
‘Am I the victim of an elaborate hoax?’ I asked.
‘The final details are being discussed today.’ said my very cool negotiator. ‘Have a good Christmas and sort yourself out for January.’
Rob hung up, I hung up. Jim stood up. I sat down. Jackson got up. I stood up. Jim sat down. Jackson sat down. I sat down. Jim stood up. I jumped up knocked over a glass of cranberry jiuce and hobbled to the sink for a sponge.
Jim left for the theatre, the door slamming behind him.
2007 had come to an end with a bang

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LOOK! I’ve already had one bottle of champagne. played one game of scrabble which the Yorkshire terrior won. We are finally alone. All the girls are doing their own thing. My mother is happily esconced with some Dickens. Every body I know is with somebody else so all is well with the world. I am … Read more

The Eve of Christmas

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Dear, dear all, The turkey’s sitting on the draining board. The fridge broke. The hob stopped working. The washing machine is kaput. The fan belt on my little red car has gone all limp on me. Jim got nicked for an absent MOT. I forgot to buy a present for Annabel next door. My ankle … Read more

Winter Wonderland – rewrite

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Sleigh bells ring, can you here ’em? In the bath and the bedroom, They sing ding-a-long. A merry old song. Waiting for a winter wonderland. I’m agog at the spending. Just one day, we’ll be spending. Prostate on the couch, A night with the grouch. Sleeping off a winter wonderland. In the forest you can … Read more

A Capital day

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I spent all morning in bed making phone-calls on behalf of others.
Then after abluting, transcending, adorning and scent, I climbed into the Jackmobil and headed off to Prospect Pictures.
I haven’t properly been back there since April, but I’d been invited to lunch and hugs by one of my old team.
I was still bloated from yesterdays culinary exertions, and to be honest, just a smidge apprehensive about going back to my old stomping ground.
9 months has passed since the demise of GFL.
It takes 9 months to gestate a baby.
It takes 9 months for a body to decompose – give or take a preservative or two- so I figured it would take 9 months before I could face my dressing room, the corridor, the make-up room, the canteen, the studio, the camera ops, the producers, director, PA and all the other assorted grafters who I had grown to love.
April through December, exactly 9 months, time to face my demons.
I drove into the car park and Brian,the general do-gooder-handy-man, let me have my old parking space.
I parked as badly as ever and entered Capital Studios.
Gulp.

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I’m not as thissed as you pink I am

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There’s only so many parties you can go to before your toes curl up like dried toast. Monday’s do was all Shoreditch and Chardonnay. Tuesday’s do was all Bloomsbury and Bubbly. Wednesday’s do is all Wandsworth and Wallop. Thursday”s do is all Battersea and Boozy. Friday’s do will be all Green Park and Gluttony. Saturday’s … Read more