What a Cow

Many moooons ago I was in a touring theatre group. From here to there we drove with our revolutionary fervour and a van full of costumes and ideals. We never made the Home Counties though. Our type of political agitprop did not go down well with the comely folk of Tunbridge Wells or Bury St.Edmunds … Read more

Bog Blog

New research reveals that 23 million of us take our phone into the bathroom with us. According to the doctors the bacteria that lands on our mobiles is horrendous. I was invited onto GMB, this morning, as the spokesperson for lavatorial etiquette. I am not a toilet tweeter I don’t surf the net in the … Read more

Bank Hols

Maggie the Magpie is shouting at Dennis the cat, cluck clucking, like an old football rattle. Dennis sits under the red maple, and watches and waits. Mrs.Magpie is protecting her babies and we’re protecting ours. Maggie swoops into the garden and Dennis looks fearful. It’s like a ‘B’ movie version of the Blue Planet, only … Read more

Cummins and Goinns

Dominic Cummins, the voice of reason, the speaker of truth? Boris Johnson, the Son of Satan the husband of Charybdis…..Honestly I’ve been waiting for the mist to clear before I even think about it but it’s like swimming in a bowl of scone batter, like I’m standing behind a glass window watching everything that’s happening … Read more

Borborygmus

Outside the studio we’ve planted runner beans and lettuce, beetroot and courgettes. On the other side of the path there’s two rows of kale, garlic, broadbeans and some pac choy. I scattered over organic slug deterrent, I lay sliced cucumber on metal trays to deter the snails – they don’t like the smell. This morning … Read more

For God’s Sake

Disputes from the bank to an ancient friend Arguments from the DVLA to Scottish Power. Fraud in one bank Then fraud in another. In days of yore the family astrologer would have looked to see if Mars was in retrograde. We had a new moon the other night so maybe all this lunatic activity is … Read more

A Rose by Any Other…..

As a teenager I spent an inordinate amount of time practicing my signature on the cover of my rough book. Jen Barnett/jj barnett/Jennifer Joy/Jeni with a circle over the ‘i’, Jenufa and Kim. I had a mind to be called Kim Kent but my mother told me it sounded like a swear word so I … Read more

Skimming the scum

Chicken soup is to the Jews what the blood of Christ is to the Catholics. You cannot come from the Russian Diaspora without knowing about the bird of youth. Mrs Gold, in 1953, took her big Kosher hen into the public baths in Whitechapel, and behind closed doors scrubbed it under the hot water tap. … Read more

Ashes to ashes

I was thinking about funerals, what with the Queen’s Escort and Helen McCrory, I was thinking how sombre and dignified the piper was as he played out the lament on his bagpipes. I was so shocked and saddened by the death of Ms M. that I felt the helplessness that we all feel in the … Read more

ubuntu

We lived in East London. Watney Street. Solander Gardens. I went to Cannon Barnet in Aldgate East. I was dark skinned and one of the many Jewish kids at the school. We non C-of-E pupils skipped assembly and stood in separate dinner lines from the Gentiles. They had milky custard whilst ours was made from … Read more