What a Cow

Many moooons ago I was in a touring theatre group. From here to there we drove with our revolutionary fervour and a van full of costumes and ideals. We never made the Home Counties though. Our type of political agitprop did not go down well with the comely folk of Tunbridge Wells or Bury St.Edmunds … Read more

Bog Blog

New research reveals that 23 million of us take our phone into the bathroom with us. According to the doctors the bacteria that lands on our mobiles is horrendous. I was invited onto GMB, this morning, as the spokesperson for lavatorial etiquette. I am not a toilet tweeter I don’t surf the net in the … Read more

Cummins and Goinns

Dominic Cummins, the voice of reason, the speaker of truth? Boris Johnson, the Son of Satan the husband of Charybdis…..Honestly I’ve been waiting for the mist to clear before I even think about it but it’s like swimming in a bowl of scone batter, like I’m standing behind a glass window watching everything that’s happening … Read more

For God’s Sake

Disputes from the bank to an ancient friend Arguments from the DVLA to Scottish Power. Fraud in one bank Then fraud in another. In days of yore the family astrologer would have looked to see if Mars was in retrograde. We had a new moon the other night so maybe all this lunatic activity is … Read more

ubuntu

We lived in East London. Watney Street. Solander Gardens. I went to Cannon Barnet in Aldgate East. I was dark skinned and one of the many Jewish kids at the school. We non C-of-E pupils skipped assembly and stood in separate dinner lines from the Gentiles. They had milky custard whilst ours was made from … Read more

Having a ruck

If a person from la droite critiques a person a partir de la gauche the criticism tends to take the form of accusations of anger, envy, jealousy, bitterness and lily livered vegetarianism. If a person a partir de la gauche critiques a person from la droite the critism tends to be in the form of … Read more

Coats

Today I wore my leather biker’s coat bought from the charity shop. It cost a tenner and reveals the state of my weight – if I’m doing okay the zipper goes up and I can breathe, if I’m ‘overladen’ the zipper sticks and it looks like I’ve been poured into a wet-look latex bondage suit. … Read more

2/1/2021

This morning I walked. The road was wet and I had on a pink sweater, a green hoodie and a blue anorak. I put the green and blue hoods up and walked. Down the hill, across the road onto a path thick with slippery leaves. I walked up hill and then it levelled off. It … Read more

Ode to 2020

One potato Two potato Three potato Four. I’m in Tier two so you can fuck off out the door. Five potato Six potato Seven potato Eight You’re in Tier 4 so you can fuck off out the gate. Nine potato Ten potato Eleven potato Twelve Whatever Tier you’re in we’ll have Christmas by ourselves One … Read more

From Hero to Eternity

I’m led by my nose. Smells entice me, disturb me but mostly comfort me. My father, a swaggering delinquent, wore ‘Eau de Cologne’. His slicked black Brylcreemed hair and the high notes of Bergamot lingering on his moustache. The bathroom towels, hospital property off the back of a lorry, held the scent for days but … Read more