Broken Promises

Forgive my absence. Tests unresolved, pain unresolved, this morning the consultant sent me a letter that was so out of date I nearly chewed my own eyeballs.
It’s tricky isn’t it, that as a long standing member and supporter of the Welfare State, as a long time supporter of everything that is good and noble, I find myself at the butt end of bureaucratic bungling.
According to the consultant’s letter I’m an old lady with constipation, who has mismanaged her own body. Well tomorrow – I have a meeting with him at 9.30 – the proverbial may well hit the fan.
I am tired, sad, angry, confused, frightened, and above all in pain. Whether its gas or gastritis, whether its pancreatic problems or intestinal turbulence, whatever the bleep it is nobody is doing anything about it N0W.
My life is on hold, the old gits’ life is on hold. A second opinion; private treatment? Should I just eat a box of pain killers so they have to put me in a hospital bed to investigate. Desperate measures……
I won’t of course, but at 3.00 a.m. whilst the rest of the world sleeps and I am pacing around the living room wondering how to manage the discomfort my mood turns to darker thoughts.
My humour is buried somewhere under a pile of hospital appointments. My positivity lies somewhere beneath the discarded banana skins in the compost.
I read in the bath, I read about taming the Zen Bull. I meditate in the garden to lift the pain, I take phone-calls and try to sound jolly. But it’s hard.
I’m not sure whether this is a good idea to post. I’m not sure whether a jolly one liner would suffice. Or whether to just tell it as it is. I’m bored. ‘If you rest you rust’ – somebody wrote on Facebook. If that’s the case I’m an old tin can.

10 thoughts on “Broken Promises”

  1. Oh please do continue to post updates! We really care and are also sick with worry hoping for some good news. Please keep up posting your true feelings and don’t bottle it up. A problem shared is a problem halved.
    Put it this way. If there was a serious problem, they would’ve diagnosed it by now. So keep your hopes and spirits up and be positive. There are better days ahead.
    Thinking of you all the time.
    Hugs & kisses

  2. Jeni please keep updating is we are all concerned.
    Hospital letters! Hubby gets them months after the consultation sometimes .
    Been waiting for date for mri since January.
    Hope you get better info tomorrow.
    Please update us.

  3. Please share! I have many health issues, I know what it’s like! My heart goes out to you! I also have nights when I’m sat up, looking through FB and have sometimes found others asking “Is anyone awake unable to sleep!?”. I listen to podcasts and talk radio LBC and I’m so thankful to have them to listen to!
    Sincerely hope your problem is discovered and can be treated!
    Love and God Bless xxxxx

  4. I really feel for you, I am having treatment for breast cancer and just want to feel like myself again and I imagine you do too. Be firm with the consultant; remember the old adage ‘ the squeaky wheel gets the most oil’ so treat yourself and be a big fat pain in the neck until you get what you need. Good luck!

  5. Jeni … I hope all went well today.
    The NHS and all our health professionals now have to work within policies that protect themselves from liabilities . It is written down . Private health care is no different . If you need a second opinion ask for one from the NHS . Please don’t fund the private sector . I am not ranting but was a NHS nurse for 30 years !

  6. Jeni,
    Please continue to keep us updated (when, and if you feel up to it).
    We are all thinking of you and hoping for a speedy recovery
    Love and prayers xx

  7. Please keep posting it wouldn’t be the samre withou you. Take care there’s a solution there somewhere.

  8. Not quite sure what words to put down but wish you well as you are ‘ processed ‘ through the health care system .

  9. I regularly check your blog hopefully awaiting some positive news.
    I just want to wish you a happy Passover and may it all ‘Pass-over’ and let you continue your life as before. I hope things are on the mend.
    All my luv

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