On the last day of September

My feet are stuck in four-inch-high-brown- sequinned-shoes. My feet have grey socks on as well the shoes, the better to stretch them. My hands are freezing. My legs are swathed in white and blue pyjama trousers. My torso is covered in a horrible grey cardigan that is loose and comfortable. My hair is out of … Read more


Tonight I got measured for my dress for an AUDIENCE WITH….
Shakeel has 9 days to buy the material and make it.
I was all of a dither when he was measuring me. Apologising for my lack of waist, width of girth and non-existent six pack.
He was very gentle and understanding and told me had made many dresses for people who had unusual demands.
I felt like Ganesh, all arms, legs and elephant trunks.

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A Shaggy Bitch tail….

Ok it’s time to talk dirty.
Dirty dogs actually.
Its time to chew the fat about Dalmations.
Back in 2003, or maybe 2 or even 4, Good Food Live took the programme on a jaunt to the US of A.
We visited Washington, San Francisco, Chicago, New York, and some – as the Yanks would say.
We travelled light – a cameraman, a make-up woman, a PA and a fixer. We travelled Business Class, mostly, ate in the best restaurants, went up and down in endless elevators and stayed in the fanciest of places, the fanciest of which was THE INN in LITTLE WASHINGTON.
I’ve just been looking through the photos…..

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A life in the weak of……

On Monday I met up with a glittering woman who bought me a Nepalese meal and talked to me about writing and publishing. On Tuesday I met up with a clear-headed woman who talked to me about stand-up and shaping a show. On Tueday night I met up with a woman who talked to me … Read more

A Cemetery For Our Time

I sat in the bath wondering what to wear for the funeral.
Ken Campbell was a man of vision. A luminary, some would say a nutter. He could have cared less what I was wearing. When we worked together he wore a faux fur loin-cloth whilst I strutted my stuff in a drawer string sack that scratched like buggery.
‘Stone Henge Kit The Ancient Brit in the End of The Woad.’ hit the Edinburgh Festival over thirty years ago. I wore orange peel for teeth, cooked dog food on stage and had to apply wet coffee grains to Pans pants to make him look like he had – well you get the picture.
I was nominated as Best Actress and Ken Campbell was deemed to be a genius for our time.
If it all sounds a bit luvvie, forgive me, Ken taught me everything I know about being in the moment. He died in his sleep two weeks ago,
I was about to make my way to Epping Forest Burial Park – a cemetery for our time – which is why I was sitting in the bath wondering what to wear.

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Click what a picture…..

The big table, in the flat, is covered in photographs. All black and white. Me waving my jazz hands. Me, playing castanets. Me playing the piano. Me posing backwards, straining my head to loook into the camera. Me hugging a drain pipe. Me…. Well you get the picture, so to speak. I am preparing for … Read more

Two times a nudist.

There are two reasons for my being naked.
The first:
Walking into the flat.
Off with the outdoor attire, on with the body. I sit here, like Spike Milligan, or Monty Python”s lot, naked ‘cept my wedding rings, necklace and my three bracelets.
The ring on my wedding ring finger is white gold with diamonds studded round it. I’ve tried to count the diamonds but I keep losing my place.
The ring on my index finger is pure gold, a single band. Both bought by the ‘oosbind.
Bracelet number one was given to me by Sylvie. It’s a collection of 10 little wooden blocks 1cm long and two little balls either side of them. Each wooden slab has a Saint on it. Some clearer than others. Elastic threads through the beads and the blocks. The elastic is loose even though the ‘oosbind tightened it for me recently. I wear the Catholic gift with pride. It’s mean to bring we luck, life and peace.
Bracelet number two was given to me by Jim. A pink piece of elastic, is joined by two bits of fancy plastic to a white piece of elastic. It’s meant to keep me alive, repelling radiation from computers and mobile phones.
Bracelet number three was given to me by Ursula. It has a little hand on it and a tiny disk with Hebrew writing, both in solid silver. They dangle from a red ribbon. So who cares that its Kabbalah its meant to bring, long life, protection, love and prosperity.
My left wrist is indeed prophetic and weighty.
My Necklace is a good long silver chain on which hangs a little silver heart and tourquoise eye to ward off evil from Bee.
An Om sign in solid silver which sings out the sound of the Universe, from me to myself.
And a big silver thingermybob that’s meant to ward off pulsating evil from everything around me. Jim bought it for me.
Between Sylvie, Ursula, Bee and Jim nothing can get to me.
The fact that I clank and chink and have slouching shoulders from the weight of it all is irrelevent, nothing dares get near me.
The second reason I am naked is the washing cycle.

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The end of an era.

I used my gymstick this morning.
A stick about so long, with two rubber foot stirrups. Rubber tubes that can be curled round the stick makes the length longer or shorter. The aim, by working against the stick, is to strengthen muscle groups by maiming yourself in the process.
10 lots of bicep curls three times.
10 lots of tricep curls three imes.
Sit ups, sit downs and a 12 minute run.
The old git turned right to go home, me left and then a gentle run – 6 minutes to Battersea Bridge and 6 minutes back.
On the way there I spied a lone trainer under the honeysuckle bush by the seagulls. Somebody must have lost it out of their bag, tripped out of it, or discarded it so that I could meditate on its presence. It occurred to me that one trainer on its own was absolutely useless, unless of course, you were Long John Silver.
One trainer is possibly the most exasperating thing on earth. The poor cyclist who had dropped it out of their saddle bag? The shopper out of their basket? The runner out of their ruck sack? Then the endless wondering where they had left it, dropped it, hidden it. Looking for it in all the nooks and crannies, wondering whether they had left it in the kitchen, the bedroom, the cupboard under the stairs. Then the realisation that perhaps they had probably dropped it somewhere on the way to work, but where?
I pondered, for a split second, wondering whether I should put it on the ledge by the ‘flooding’ sign but decided against it.
Then I felt overwhelming compassion for the owner of the one perfectly heeled trainer. They would have to buy a whole new set, for a big pile of money, as nobody, to my knowledge,sellls one trainer at a time….

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the dating game

From vaccinations to hoodies, from summer houses, to dating. It is possible to feel the audience, in the theatre they are one animal. You can hear actors saying they were good tonight, or what a tight lipped crowd THEY were. On telly it may be just one person you are imagining you are talking to. … Read more

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