There are two reasons for my being naked.
Walking into the flat.
Off with the outdoor attire, on with the body. I sit here, like Spike Milligan, or Monty Python”s lot, naked ‘cept my wedding rings, necklace and my three bracelets.
The ring on my wedding ring finger is white gold with diamonds studded round it. I’ve tried to count the diamonds but I keep losing my place.
The ring on my index finger is pure gold, a single band. Both bought by the ‘oosbind.
Bracelet number one was given to me by Sylvie. It’s a collection of 10 little wooden blocks 1cm long and two little balls either side of them. Each wooden slab has a Saint on it. Some clearer than others. Elastic threads through the beads and the blocks. The elastic is loose even though the ‘oosbind tightened it for me recently. I wear the Catholic gift with pride. It’s mean to bring we luck, life and peace.
Bracelet number two was given to me by Jim. A pink piece of elastic, is joined by two bits of fancy plastic to a white piece of elastic. It’s meant to keep me alive, repelling radiation from computers and mobile phones.
Bracelet number three was given to me by Ursula. It has a little hand on it and a tiny disk with Hebrew writing, both in solid silver. They dangle from a red ribbon. So who cares that its Kabbalah its meant to bring, long life, protection, love and prosperity.
My left wrist is indeed prophetic and weighty.
My Necklace is a good long silver chain on which hangs a little silver heart and tourquoise eye to ward off evil from Bee.
An Om sign in solid silver which sings out the sound of the Universe, from me to myself.
And a big silver thingermybob that’s meant to ward off pulsating evil from everything around me. Jim bought it for me.
Between Sylvie, Ursula, Bee and Jim nothing can get to me.
The fact that I clank and chink and have slouching shoulders from the weight of it all is irrelevent, nothing dares get near me.
The second reason I am naked is the washing cycle.
I was going directly home to East Sussex but I needed to put some writing onto my memory stick.
I turned on the computer, whilst it was booting up I went into Bee and Nathans room. They’ve nearly moved out but their smells linger. A cross between her delicious perfume and his cocoa butter. Yes of course I miss them.
He’s missing her in Brixton whilst she’s missing him on the Isle of Wight. She’s gone away to the festival, the rain is pouring down on her tent and his football pitch.
Anyway I went into their bathroom, I couldn’t resist having a tidy up. There is something wonderfully healing about cleaning up after your kids especially when they arn’t really kids any more.
I thought I would clean the shower. Got in, and forgetting that I wasn’t totally naked I still had on a tee-shirt and my glasses, turned on the water.
Yes of course I got wet.
So I’ve put my wet clothes, all the towels and a flannel in the wash now I can’t leave the flat until the cycle’s finished, which will be after rush hour.
I think I heard a bit of a spin.
So there you are two reason to be naked.
Now I trust you will all be coming to see me on OCTOBER 3rd at THE BROADWAY THEATRE in Lewisham.
Details are on lbc.co.uk.
I think it’s on the second rinse now, I hope so otherwise I’ll be here till after Coronation Street which means I wont get home until 9.00.
That’s it. I’m now about to download onto my memory stick – if I can remember how to.
3 thoughts on “Two times a nudist.”
Oh I do enjoy your blog, you even make the ordinary sound interesting.
And yes I do have my ticket but for the 29th Nov. I’m hoping you’ll be wearing the dalmation dungarees but if not perhaps you can just introduce them to the audience whilst on stage! I really thought they were white with black spots!! See how important detail is.
Have a great weekend, you and your necklaces and bracelets.
Don’t surround yourself with material gewgores – it’s a sign of insecurity and I don’t think this is the real you. I wear NO jewellery crap nor would I. It took me years to wear a basic watch and I still see such things as subtle handcuffs.
I can’t wait for your show on 3rd. October as I feel we will make it a night to remember.
Don’t forget I still have a special present for you. See you soon ,
I read your column all the time. I am absolutely gutted that I cannot make October to see you (I am actually taking the children to Pompeii). Pompeii is wonderful, I know but I would rather be watching your show. Is there any chance of a repeat performance in the future?
See you soon
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