LBC

This weekend Jim and I watched ‘CONTROL’ and ‘THIS IS ENGLAND’ in front of a log fire.
Two extremely eloquent British films.
I fell into bed with monochrome mic stands and technicoloured skin- heads running through my head.
When I awoke it was minus 4.
The lawn was covered in thick white frost, the birds were fighting for bird seed and the back window of my car had to be de-iced.
The old man went out to play golf with his acting mate, whether he has his fingers left I will know shortly.
(he has, he says it wasn’t his fingers he was worried about being brass monkey weather and all.)
I bumped into my old nutritionist in the lift at Waitrose.
We talked about bloating, carbs, and linseeds.
The result of that conversation was a basket of seeds, oils and guilt.
I arrived 15 minutes late to the studio, even though the sun was out and its half term for half the population.

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I nearly got the programme all right.
I’m absorbing the tweekings, they are being exceedingly patient with me.
Anyway when I got back to the flat, having listened to Donald Fagin on my car stereo, very loud, very latin, I changed into my running gear and went out.
The air was a good smack across the cheek.
Two flocks of birds winging their way over Battersea Bridge actually came together and formed a HEART, not for very long, but just long enough for me to think;
Is it?
Isn’t it?
And it was.
Bloomin’ excellent.
On the way back there was a ‘V’ of geese heading for Chelsea harbour.

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The sun shone in through my bedroom window, it was so bright that you could have been forgiven for thinking it was March.
I meditated, faced East,and felt the weight of too many sweets courtesy of Steve Allen.
I finally managed to discipline myself sufficiently to do 15 minutes of conditioning.
I then donned my trainers, watch and heart monitor and went out for my first run since insulting my tissue on December 13th.
The river was low, the air clean and clear. The gulls squealed and wheeled over Battersea Bridge, whilst flocks of unidentifiable birds made magical formations in the sky. The native Americans tell you to look for the pictures in them – I always do – this morning I think I saw a bacon sarnie, well I was hungry.

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I’ve just eaten a meal whilst sitting in a Chinese bed, in a Thai restaurant, with a South African traveller in Battersea.
The bed is six foot by six foot.
Wooden frame.
Low table in the middle of us.
Lots of cushions to sit and lie on.
More an Arabian cushette than a Chinese bed.
My guest crossed his legs, as I did mine.
We sat opposite each other.
I ordered a pot of jasmine tea.
Delicious.
We had spicy prawn cackers to start with then.
1. vegetable tempura with a hot and spicy sauce.
2. fried ricecrackers with something on top.
3. little baby spring rolls with a sweet chili sauce.
4. Thai fishcakes with a hot sauce.

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When I got into LBC this morning the office was completely empty.
Obviously I thought the whole work force had been invited to a junket and I was being ostracised for missing my ‘news’ cue yesterday.
I opened up my emails, found the top ten list of topics up for grabs and set about reading the papers.
The silence was suddenly broken by a brace of boisterous broadcsters and Steve Allen, they had been to a presentation of the new shape of the station.
I should have been there but I’m not yet on the system so nobody thought to invite me.
I was relieved I can tell you.

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Well, where do I start?
I think I’ll go backwards.
I’ve just called Jim and asked him to make me a file for my funny speeches, I then telephoned a woman from ‘Funny Women’, who I think is going to teach me how to do ‘Stand-Up’. I have eaten my way through a whole cabbage- boiled hard, with a knob of butter and then smothered in three slices of veggie rice cheese. I watched the cheese melt unctiously over the sweet cabbage leaves.
I’ve changed into my purple pyjama trousers with the 2 holes in the back, the small round perforations are the only way I know I’m not wearing them back to front, the outfit is topped off with a horrible blue t-shirt so now I am ready to settle down to upblogdate you all.

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