Old McBarnett has a plan….

The phone went and it was Dan the man asking after his grandmother so I called the hospital.
My mother was having her ‘bum and bits’ washed, she told the nurse to tell me.
She was due to come out tomorrow but she has another infection.
When I asked the nurse whether it was sinister she said “I hope not.”
I am in a low-level-state-of-anxiety over my mothers hospitalisation, she’s a long way away from me and I have a packed schedule, when I get back from Glasgow – I’m doing EGGHEADS with Wincey willis, Sarah Green and two other women of a certain age – Jim and I will go and visit her on Thursday.
My days are shrouded in the knowledge that my 89 year old mother is completing her life with the help of paramedics.
It’s horrible, not that she is getting older we all do, but that her final years are so fraught with bureaucracy and lack of funds.

I have a little machine to take my blood sugar. An almond shaped meter, one strip with a butterfly on and a little gadget that pricks your finger, just like Sleeping Beauty, only I’m not sleeping too well and beautiful I wish…..
I used my middle finger on my right hand.
Took a deep breath and punctured the tip of my finger,
Scraped the blood droplet onto the butterfly strip and inserted it into the meter. It read 13.5
My lovely acupuncturist tells me that the pancreas makes just enough fuel for one and when there is stress and the person thinks they are carrying too much the poor old pancreas screams in revolt.
I meditated for twenty minutes, listend to Clever Trevor for eleven minutes, worked on my face with a funny battery operated thingy thats meant to reduce wrinkles – lol – then went downstairs and drunk a litre of greens.
59 grasses in water that tastes just like – well 59 grasses in water.
Took the dawter to Tunbridge Wells whilst wearing my Shlomper thingy. Makes me look like a very unattractive Witch, had an altercation with a white van man who stuck up his middle finger and tried to bump me off the road, dropped her off at the traffic lights, turned the car round leaving myself just enough time to dress. Drove to JANET BRUMMER a brilliant masseuse who I haven’t seen for years, her little clinic is next to a superior launderette and a motor bike shop that the old git buys his necessaries in.
As she pressed deeply into my tissue with her deep tissue massage let me tell you it took all my will not to scream out abuse. I had my head hanging in the hole of her bed, I dribbled into the white tissue as I restrained myself. We agreed to meet, with her dog Casper a timid spaniel who was rejected by the coppers for his shyness not his ability to sniff, we agreed that at 7.30a.m on most days we would meet for a fierce and friendly walk.
Took the name and number of a Yoga practitioner, gave JB a cheque, drunk a glass of water and drove to the Supermarket to buy washing powder, fabric softener and 6 bottles of reduced fizzy water.
Ms Brummer worked wonders on me bits, not to mention my sugar level which had dropped several points. I’ve booked in for a set of six so that by the time I get to Phoenix I will be able to hold my head, and neck, up high and my glucose level will be normal.
His Masters Voice was out on the golf course with his friend knocking their balls about, I walked about in a somnambulistic state, and created some kind of supper despite aching muscles.
I’ve printed off my itinerary for Glasgow, organised the garage tomorrow afternoon so they can fit my wing mirror, in between which trying to sort Le Shed.
Once Le Shed is up and running you won’t see me for dust. It’ll be a thermos flask and sarnies down to the end of the garden, with a tap tap here and a spell-check their, here a tap, there a tap everywhere a tap tap, Old McBarnett has a plan eei eei Oh!!!!!

3 thoughts on “Old McBarnett has a plan….”

  1. Dear Jeni. Hello again from darkest Putney Heath! I am so sorry that you now are so worried about your dear Mother’s health! I know how you must be feeling deep down inside and it’s not a nice feeling at all! i pray that your Mum will be just fine and the infection just a minor one that can be cured by general medication etc.
    Im kinda Home Alone this week as Gordon has gone down to the Isle of Wight to Bembridge to stay with his sister as his relatives who live in melbourne australia are over in IOW for a holiday and he has never seen Garys Wife Lianne or the two sons Curtis and Connor aged 13 and 15now. Gordon has been dragging 16 of them all round the Island and they are so excited to be all together. I would have loved to go to see them but i have work here in London but never mind Ive got a bit of time off before Christmas so i may go to stay with Cousin Victor in Malibu and do my christmas shopping in LA and there is a wonderful Nobu Restaurant in Malibu quite small and very intimate and always worth a visit as long as you book in advance as its nearly always full of movie stars who live about 300 yards away at the Malibu Colony.
    I have been busy since Gordon went to IOW cleaning the flat and i got down on hands and knees and scrubbed the green lounge carpet as Gordon had walked quite a bit of tar on his shoes onto the carpet and there were little black bits of tar all the way from the lounge door past the fireplave and right to his brown leather recliner by the the windows. Oh it took me 2 hours with an arosol of a special stain slayer i found in Waitrose in Canary Wharf
    and im really pleased as its done the job and saved me packet so the carpet looks like new and i wont need to get a new one after all Ha Ha!
    You say you are off to Glasgow to go on eggheads with dear old Wincey Willis who was the Weather Girl of all Weather girls on TV AM . And you worked on TV AM at the same time so i bet you will have alot to catch up on together,i always remember that Christmas Story that You and Wincey did one Christmas and i remember it well , ive still got the 2 TV AM T Shirts that Ann Diamond gave to me all those Years ago Ha Ha! there a bit tight on me now as at 63 ive more tummy than i used to have Ha Ha!
    I dont usually watch Eggheads as the title to me invokes a line of bald heads like eggs sitting in a row! Yes i know the programme isnt really like that and i will definately tune in to see you Jeni and Wincey. Please take care of yourself and i hope and pray your Mum will be OK! After all Mum,s Are Precious!!
    Much Love Terry XXX

  2. Hi Jeni
    Well I’ve heard of men and their sheds now it’s Jeni and her shed, or rather Le Shed!
    Oh and good luck with the walking.
    Eggheads? Can’t wait!
    Love June

  3. It is no longer possible for a pharmacist to be a dependable health care provider… just keep pumping out those scripts, we’ll pay you a 6 figure salary. It doesn’t matter who gets hurt, we’ll cover your ass and you will still get paid. Thank you very much from the pharmacy chains of America. “In Pharmacy We Trust.”

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