Pigeon Toes

Gods Gift drove us to a 70th birthday do at THE GROVE in Watford.
Imagine twenty very noisy friends and family.
Imagine a dining hall full of tables with the same.
Imagine people who like to eat seated round those tables.
Imagine balloons and bouquets at the tables where celebratory parties gather to sample the buffet.
Imagine flowers and vases and Eastern European waiters.
Imagine whistles and finger clicks to get the attention of the aformentioned
Imagine the heat and the fuss.
Now imagine the buffet.
Shell fish, smoked fish, pickled fish and mussels.
Red pickles, green pickles, mayonnaise and chutney.
Russian salad, fennel salad, green salad and beetroot.
Bloody beef, bloody lamb, bloody Hell more meat than graze the ranges of Wyoming.
Imagine mountains or crispy roasted potatoes and plains of Yorkshire puddings.
Imagine hot woks and super-sized serving tongs that spring off into the gravy.
Imagine a chef wearing a white hat stir-frying your very own vegetable selection.
Imagine cheeses, and bread and more cheese and even more bread.
Imagine Ethiopia.
Imagine plates piled high with food and then some.
Imagine super-sized eaters shuffling to get their third helping.
Imagine cheese-cake, fruit-tarts, pear-crumble, fresh berries.
Imagine the colon of the guests.
Imagine water and wine.
Imagine stained white linen napkins.
Imagine the grounds.
Sculpture and lily ponds.
Flunkies on the hoof, sycophants in reception.
Imagine the bill.

Saturday night I spent alone in the flat whilst the old git drove home. He slept off his meat I slept off my roasted veg.
The Sunday show felt like a culture shock. Luke Doonan a living oxymoron. He is a conscientious property developer. But he is what it says on the tin. He bought us lunch. It’s official I LOVE HIM.
The us being me and Emma Leach, Phil Jones, Esther Stanhope and Amy. It was Esthers last show. I am bereft. Amy will be fab but I still have to shoulder my loss with maturity.
I left the restaurant and went to buy B some track suit bottoms from ‘Bik Bok’ a really good cheapish shop.
I walked to Shafstbury Avenue and took the 83 bus to Victoria. All was going to plan, I slipped off the 83 and sauntered to the bus stop outside Victoria Station. The 170 was coming round the bend when SPLAT.
And I don’t mean a little squit of a splat I mean a great big tsunami of a SPLAT.
Either a pigeon the size of a Boeing 747, or a flock of seagulls decided to target just me. It or them decided to off load their breakfast, lunch and scrofulottic dinner all over my head, my arms, my leggings, my bags my fingers and my bare toes. Thank heavens I wasn’t looking up with my mouth open….
It was a cold white shower of shite. If one more person tells me it was lucky I will scream.
Got back to the flat and showered vigorously, then washed my clothes, plonked down in front of the box and watched ‘What Just Happened’ a Robert de Niro film, I loved it. I also loved the fact that De Niro is the spit of my father. From his hair to his legs, from his glasses to his attitude. Called home to make Jim and B watch it and they agreed that Robert de Houseyourfather was indeed the living lookalike of my old man.
Read until 3.00a.m., then up at 7.00.
Shopped for salad, ate it on the front balcony, walked to the square for coffee in the sunshine, back to the flat. More packing, News at Nne, some more packing.
And now I will read in the sunshine on the back balcony, then off to D’Arblay Street to watch a French Film….
Them there pigeons had better scarper otherwise they’re gonna get it on behalf of their divebombing cousins….
KEPOW SPLAT to them….

12 thoughts on “Pigeon Toes”

  1. Parasol could be useful Jeni !! What a banquet the sight of all that food would have put me off eating anything. Do you know anything about getting to Richmond/Twickenham by river?? the web sites are a work of art. Love to all xxhugxx

  2. Two tremendous phrases in that. Imagine Ethiopia and sycophants in reception.
    Imagine Ethiopia hits you right in the face. Brilliant. You know you’re brilliant, don’t you? The rhythm and pace of the writing/reading, speeding us into the narrative and then the huge, still, silent impact of ‘Imagine Ethiopia.’
    Now i sound like one of the sycophants.

  3. You needn’t publish this.
    In case you don’t know..
    Apart from neptune (in Pisces) being directly opposite the position for your date of birth of saturn Mercury passed that position friday, saturday and sunday.. slowly as it halts wednesday before retrogressing. It repasses your saturn’s position this weekend – reentering Leo next week. It ends retrogression 26/27 August exiting leo and passing your saturn’s position in Virgo a third time both September 9th..
    To see areas of play you should ask your favourite astrologer to tell you which House/s in your chart are being travelled through by neptune; which house your saturn occupies and the position in your chart for your date of birth of the planets ruling each of those houses.
    Neptune currently is retrograde til November. It reenters aquarius ending retrogression in november and then reenters Pisces to again ‘oppose’ your saturn in the new year.
    Andrew Pearce is dissing Barack Obama on LBC as he sits in for Iain Dale.

  4. moreover.. you might derive intelligence by looking at places in the world where saturn was at the meridian at the moment of your birth.

  5. Dear Jeni.First a message to Lindy. Thames River Boats run from Westminster Pier in London to Kew Richmond and Hampton Court. Its the service i use and it reopened this year in April so i think that will be OK for you the phone number is 02079302062.
    Oh Jeni. i was interested to hear about your foot spa with the fish! I have noticed in Putney high st near me they have opened a place called Images and they have these Pyrana Fish in basins and you sit high up on a huge bonkette and have your nails done at the same time. Not for us Guys i think Ha Ha! Hope your Eye is much better now much Love Always Terry X

  6. Jeni
    Do not publish this.
    I learnt recently some detail of the ‘No second night out’ scheme to prevent new rough sleeping on the streets from an outreach worker. A guy from Westminster Council interviewed in the 8 – 10pm Saturday slot on London 94.9 a couple of weeks ago to promote the scheme.
    From what I was told the scheme would seem to be a fiendish way to prevent new arrivals to the streets of London without breaching the Human Rights Act.
    Should you fancy knowing more email [email protected]

  7. Jeeezz, I feel dizzy…….Where else can you get sycophants in reception. Being shat on from a great height by a bird, (of the feathered kind) Jeni, don’t scream, but yes, that is so lucky! jeezz – some people have all the luck!! And then there’s Saturns all telling position. All this on a boat up the Thames….I Love it!
    Love and Light LV

  8. ‘Imagine’ the seagull picked up the scent of shell fish, mussels etc wafting up from u and lost control!!
    Poor girl! I’ve been splattered before and it’s awful. Ugh!
    Love u,

  9. Jenny, this is Angie (Brighton, ex NCSD). Just caught up with your blog. I had the weepy eye thing ten years ago, also the poking about in tear ducts etc to no avail.
    People said it was stress, which made me hoot with laughter (I stupidly thought I didn’t do stress!) then I made a major change in my life by leaving the very difficult job I was doing. The weepy eye was gone within 24 hours!
    Don’t know if this helps at all, but just wanted to let you know the story & happy ending.
    Lovely to read all your great recent exploits. Good luck with everything & come sip a leper int tea with me sometime! Xx

  10. Got splattered by a huge brown pelican in Florida once – it actually splattered 3 of us, luckily we were on the beach in swim suits so we just went in the sea blurgh!

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