Thank you all for your comments about the ‘O’ word.
I have been giving it a lot of thought.
I am like a reformed smoker who can smell smoke three streets away. Because I was so huge – not pleasingly plump, or mildly chunky, because I was SO huge and in big, fat denial, I now have that awful sanctimonious, holier than though smugness that all reformed sinners have.
When I was attacked for being fat, which I was from LWT to the BBC from magazines to proper newspapers, I know what its like to be at the receiving end of fattist barbs. I know what it’s like to pretend to be happy in your ever increasing skin; I know what it feels like to be the one pointed at, talked about and used as the jolly japer at the end of the table.
I do know what its like to eat secretly, to cover up embarrassment with baggy sweaters and even bigger buns.
Only this week I have been pouring in the calories to fill the hole concerning my mother. That great big, gaping, hole that required filling. Comfort eating the like of which I haven’t done for months and months. Biscuits, chips and cheese, chocolate, crisps and coffee. That huge emotional cavern devoured more in one sitting than a whole Battallian of Gherkins – sorry Ghurkas.
And because I know what its like to wear the face of a clown and the smile of the defeated my use of the ‘O’ word was used merely in a descriptive sense.
I never have the intention of upsetting people but I will call it as it is. Being morbidly obese is rotten. Being obese is horrible. Being fat, being overweight, being skinny, thin, anorexic, you name it, the body fascists have us in their vice-like hold. But whilst I have begun to loosen their grip, it’s less about them and more about me. It’s my time for health and waistlines. And whilst it’s liberating I still have all those pernicious thoughts and old habits lurking inside of me like an insidious tape worm.
Remember, as they say in the twelve step plan, Trying is Lying, I cannot try not to eat another doughnut I just have to say NO, possibly the heaviest word in my world.
So if my nurse is reading this I sympathise. The only way out is to look at yourself squarely in the face and speak the truth. If smoking causes cancer, obesity causes diabetes and Gawd knows what. It’s not about looking good in a swimsuit its about looking good in your birthday suit so that you actually reach your next anniversary.
That’s enough from me now lets put an end to my contribution but thank you all for yours.
Oh btw I have been ‘nice’ to the doctors and nurses, although I was prepared to turn into a screaming banshee if I had needed to be. I’m not a mummy’s girl but as the girl of my mummy I will fight for her the way she fought for me.
There we are. I am preparing lunch for six tomorrow, which will be partaken after the show.
If you can join me – 9 till 12.00 on 94.9 – that would be lovely. I have everything from Irish comedians to Hollywierd Psychics.
if you fancy it give us a bell and talk to me.