Jeni Barnett

In 1980 I was filming a sit-com in Boreham Wood, when a young man chased me up the corridor. ‘We’d like you to be the girl on Parky’ he said. I told him to go way. TVam was a brand new breakfast programme and Michael Parkinson, one of the owners of the channel, was looking … Read more

I went to London I went to London on the train. I went to London on a train to do a voice over. Like old times. Didn’t know if I would make it as my legs don’t carry me in the same way. But after putting on me dungarees and a new t-shirt. I travelled … Read more

On Saturday I drove us to a wedding in Surrey I drove like an arsehole and got us lost on the way there, and on the way back. If we had set off to get to Uzbekistan we would have done less mileage. The bride wore white, I wore trainers. The brides mother wore green … Read more

There are about 70 million of us rubbing along together in Great Britain. Let’s say 70%, (there are fewer than that ) are immigrants, asylum seekers and refugees; that still leaves 49 million of us with white faces and St George’s flags flapping on our concrete forecourts. So what the fuck is Nigel-don’t-call-me-a-racist-Farage worried about? … Read more

Phase two of the Kidney Kapers. I had dialysis on Wednesday. Back to four hours but I’m coping by self medicating with acupuncture needles and two known points. One in the hand one in the foot, so I’m able to tolerate the jumpy legs and dry mouth, Having said that Wednesday was a big day. … Read more

Tinkerbell Schneider is my porn name. Trixie McVay is the old gits. You can find yours by taking your mothers maiden name and your first pets pawname. My mother’s family were all tailors – hence Schneider -but to get accepted in 1930’s England my grandpa anglecised them and turned them into Taylors. I was brought … Read more

I’ve got a pink sharpie dot on my right hand, a pink sharpie dot on my left hand and a pink sharpie dot under my big toe in the soft bit. The dots painted by my German Acupuncturist who arrived last Saturday. I’d had a turn. My dialysis pump had been blocked and after five … Read more

When I was 13 I got my first review. Gilbert & Sullivan, a school production. The Borehamwood Post said I was the next Dora Bryan – a lithe, comedienne who lived in Brighton. However, longside my rave review was a damning paragraph that said I ‘Couldn’t sing for toffee.’ The gauntlet had been well and … Read more

My grandmother – Bubba Sophie – lived in a tenement block in the East End of London. She had an outdoor toilet and her sister Aunty Becky, who lived upstairs. My Nan had blonde hair, which I only found out was dyed in my mid teens. She looked like Sophie Tucker. Her three rooms comprised … Read more

We’re born with 20 teeth and grow into 32. I now have 22 with two fake ones on the top right. The whole set are shiny and white and allow me to smile confidently. But not for long. Here comes the history of the destabilisation of my septuagenarian mouth My extractions started when I was … Read more