Land Slurry

If my cottage is here, then down the road a bit and turning right will find you in what looks like French countryside. Fields and old trees, the backs of two old cottages made out of ancient brickwork, dovecotes and peach trees, old hedges and my famous avenue. So if you walk down the hill … Read more

Sole Food

The origin of being ‘well-heeled’ comes from cockfighting: a well-heeled cock wore sharp spurs which could cause big damage in a fight. Witness the Orange Cock Womble and his strutting, he wears only custom made Italian shoes as he’s very insecure about his height and his foot size. His little size 8 feet ( you … Read more

Bitter Kola

My feet are cold. My nose is cold. The ends of my fingers are like ice cubes. The old git has just lit the stove and the house smells of a Victorian blacksmiths. I bought hanging chocolates for the Christmas tree. I’ve eaten six of them; well, the tree isn’t up and I deserve a … Read more

November the 21st.

For ten days I have watched the leaves carpet the lawn. Listened to the rain on the sky light and the trials and tribulations of a host of friends. I’ve started making lists for Christmas and have taken deliveries of fake meat, fake bacon seasoning and fake onion powder. I have dusted the mantle piece, … Read more

What no Dick…..

The dawter told me to post pictures cos people dont open links, but all you have to do is copy and paste this link into your search engine – – and there I am in my early twenties doing what I do best, shouting. It’s a film about pantomime, made in the 70’s from … Read more

Soup Glorious Soup

Whether it’s Sop or Suppa, Soupe or Soup, we all have our own version of a liquid hug. Eight thousand years ago the Ancient Romans slopped onion soup into their red brick slip ware, old Germans ladled their leek and karoffel suppa into gold rimmed porcelain, whilst the Vietnamese feasted on Pho. Chinese archaeologists unearthed … Read more


In 1988 I did a screen test for London Weekend Televison – LWT. A trip to Southbank, a piece to camera, an interview and then a wait for the outcome. I got a phone call from Maeve, the producer, saying they loved what I’d done BUT… “I looked like a pile of shit.” I offered. … Read more

Rippety Offedy

I went to the dentist. I had chipped my left front tooth and wanted it filed down so it was the same size as the right front tooth. I went to the dentist and sat in the empty souless waiting room. No magazines just a big screen slide-showing adverts flogging teeth whitener, cosmetic dentistry and … Read more


They call Gaffer tape Duct Tape in the US. We used it when we had a band. Strong, durable and perfect for covering up cables and sticking together battered instruments. It comes in many colours and if you bite into it it rips into a nice, straight line. The 45th commander in sheath could use … Read more

Mr. Frisby. For Sarah

I put on an old blue anorak, pulled up the hood, tugged on thick socks that were a gift from a Portland contributor when we filmed there, squeezed into my heavy walking boots, took my glasses off, snuck them in the front pocket of me anorak, and set off for a walk. The rain pushing … Read more