Jeni Barnett

What’s it all about?

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He was the handsomest boy at school, he was also the cleverest. Studying in the school library our eyes met over my broken bag of ‘Treets’, ‘milk chocolate covered peanuts with an outer shell of dark brown glazed candy,’ The sweet nuts scattered and bounced ricocheting round the parquet floor like machine gun fire. We … Read more

2/1/2021

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This morning I walked. The road was wet and I had on a pink sweater, a green hoodie and a blue anorak. I put the green and blue hoods up and walked. Down the hill, across the road onto a path thick with slippery leaves. I walked up hill and then it levelled off. It … Read more

Here we go gathering Nuts in…..

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I know it’s early but we’ve just taken The Tree down. Oh! No! I hear you exclaim. It had to go. The dawter found it on the side of the road just before Christmas. A lovely tall tree with lots of needles that smelt divine. We have a fake tree that we’ve used for over … Read more

Ode to 2020

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One potato Two potato Three potato Four. I’m in Tier two so you can fuck off out the door. Five potato Six potato Seven potato Eight You’re in Tier 4 so you can fuck off out the gate. Nine potato Ten potato Eleven potato Twelve Whatever Tier you’re in we’ll have Christmas by ourselves One … Read more

Land Slurry

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If my cottage is here, then down the road a bit and turning right will find you in what looks like French countryside. Fields and old trees, the backs of two old cottages made out of ancient brickwork, dovecotes and peach trees, old hedges and my famous avenue. So if you walk down the hill … Read more

Sole Food

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The origin of being ‘well-heeled’ comes from cockfighting: a well-heeled cock wore sharp spurs which could cause big damage in a fight. Witness the Orange Cock Womble and his strutting, he wears only custom made Italian shoes as he’s very insecure about his height and his foot size. His little size 8 feet ( you … Read more

From Hero to Eternity

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I’m led by my nose. Smells entice me, disturb me but mostly comfort me. My father, a swaggering delinquent, wore ‘Eau de Cologne’. His slicked black Brylcreemed hair and the high notes of Bergamot lingering on his moustache. The bathroom towels, hospital property off the back of a lorry, held the scent for days but … Read more

Bitter Kola

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My feet are cold. My nose is cold. The ends of my fingers are like ice cubes. The old git has just lit the stove and the house smells of a Victorian blacksmiths. I bought hanging chocolates for the Christmas tree. I’ve eaten six of them; well, the tree isn’t up and I deserve a … Read more

November the 21st.

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For ten days I have watched the leaves carpet the lawn. Listened to the rain on the sky light and the trials and tribulations of a host of friends. I’ve started making lists for Christmas and have taken deliveries of fake meat, fake bacon seasoning and fake onion powder. I have dusted the mantle piece, … Read more

What no Dick…..

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The dawter told me to post pictures cos people dont open links, but all you have to do is copy and paste this link into your search engine – https://youtu.be/6fQYhaHngWg – and there I am in my early twenties doing what I do best, shouting. It’s a film about pantomime, made in the 70’s from … Read more