JB

I am Jeni Barnett, I have been since I scribbled all over my rough book at school arriving at one ‘N’ one ‘I’ and two ‘TT’s’. Jeni Barnett was the bird on page three of ‘The Pigeon Fanciers Gazette’, and twas she who was front page news in Iceland’s equivalent of the Hafnarfjörður Herald.
For seventy years Jeni Barnett has made the money and paid her taxes. She has a NI number and a joint bank account with the old git. Jeni Barnett never took her husbands name when they got married since Jeni Barnett was an independent woman with an independent income and an independent attitude – which by the way is the key to longevity according to an ancient broad from Brooklyn.
‘ATTITUDE AND GRATITUDE’ the recipe for a long long life.
But I digress.
Jeni Barnett has served me well.
And then I started attending the hospital like it was my second home. I am no longer Jeni Barnett I am Mrs. Jennifer Joy Barnett Bywater.
Jennifer Bywater gets called whilst waiting for eye tests, renal exams, doctors appointments. Jennifer Bywater is the ill one with woolley socks and a Lidl puffa jacket bought from the middle aisle.

When I first started acting I worked with the genius Ken Campbell. He directed me in my first play, I found a notebook in which he had written Jeni Barnett is good at telling jokes. I went on the road with him to Amsterdam, Munich, Israel. I wore a revealing bosomy dress and played the piano. I hammered nails up my nose and bottled for the money we collected from the crowd. Whilst living on the canals in Frankfurt I was charged with using my own name only I was now called Jennifer Joy.
Wearing a Danny la Rue hand me down I walked onto the stage and declared ‘The good girl said to the bad little girl its awfully hard to be good. And the bad little girl said to the good little girl it’s got to be hard to be good’ It always a got a laugh, sometimes delayed but the audience got there in the end.
And so Jennifer Joy, the rude girl was born, Jennifer Joy adopted a stage personality called Rosie Tips who was naive and filthy.
I was happy with my youthful persona. For years and years Jennifer Joy paid her rent by being indiscreet and funny. I’ve been spelt wrong and pronounced wrongly but I’ve kept my identity, a brave resilient spontaneous woman with a healthy disrespect for authority. Jennifer Bywater, on the other hand is a frightened old lady who stumbles on the tube and asks for help down the stone steps at Charing Cross.
Jennifer Bywater is offered seats on the tube and holds onto the hand rails as she walks down hospital corridors.
Jennifer has pipes inserted into her chest, and eats a restricted diet with no spinach and a few potatoes. Jennifer sits glazed as the masseuse wants written permission before she gives her a basic massage. Jennifer takes drugs and weeps meekly as her potassium levels sore and she sips on her minimal liquid content.
I long for Jeni Barnett’s return, She is coming back slowly.
‘You look much better now’ say old friends. I didn’t know I looked bad before. Although I had noticed my legs were the size of two fisherwomen conjoined from Zanzibar.
But I counted the number of treatments I’ve had since December 16th and I haven’t reached fifty yet. It feels like I’ve been on dialysis for ever.
It feels like all I have ever done is lie on a bed get hooked up and watch as 3 litres of fluid leaves my body, but it’s not yet fifty times.

I was once called Jerry Barrett, who cares. When I interviewed Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s butler, I asked him on air what my name was and he didn’t know. I didn’t care I got a cheap laugh and he looked like a dick.
Now Jennifer Bywater has no status at all. She has no income, no vivacity, no youth, Jennifer Bywater is that ill old lady who lives in the middle cottage with her cat and an ancient Mr. Bywater. Jennifer Bywater sits glumly in the doctors surgery and argues with the nurse. Jennifer Bywater is unrecognisable.
But just you wait. Jeni Barnett is waiting in the wings. She still has her equity card and has her picture in ‘Spotlight’. She has three agents and a CV as old as the woman in Brooklyn – Attitude and Gratitude.

When I was rehearsing with Ken Campbell in Germany I had to let a balloon deflate on stage and say BIZARRE. I had to do it hundreds of times until I got it right, although who knew what right was.
It was the school of hard knocks. Jennifer Bywater wouldn’t know how to handle a deflated balloon if you paid her – which of course nobody does because Jennifer Bywater is unemployable.
Jeni Barnett, on the other hand, is ready and waiting. Attitude and gratitude. Jeni Barnett is curled up inside somewhere ready to pounce so Jennifer Bywater had better watch out because when Jeni Barnett gets her wings back Jennifer Bywater can fuck off into a waiting room somewhere. She’s served her purpose, surplus to requirements.
Get ready Jeni Barnett it’s your final call…..