In 1988 I did a screen test for London Weekend Televison – LWT. A trip to Southbank, a piece to camera, an interview and then a wait for the outcome. I got a phone call from Maeve, the producer, saying they loved what I’d done BUT… “I looked like a pile of shit.” I offered. … Read more

Rippety Offedy

I went to the dentist. I had chipped my left front tooth and wanted it filed down so it was the same size as the right front tooth. I went to the dentist and sat in the empty souless waiting room. No magazines just a big screen slide-showing adverts flogging teeth whitener, cosmetic dentistry and … Read more


They call Gaffer tape Duct Tape in the US. We used it when we had a band. Strong, durable and perfect for covering up cables and sticking together battered instruments. It comes in many colours and if you bite into it it rips into a nice, straight line. The 45th commander in sheath could use … Read more

Mr. Frisby. For Sarah

I put on an old blue anorak, pulled up the hood, tugged on thick socks that were a gift from a Portland contributor when we filmed there, squeezed into my heavy walking boots, took my glasses off, snuck them in the front pocket of me anorak, and set off for a walk. The rain pushing … Read more

Driving Ambition

When I was in my very early thirties I decided to learn to drive. My first instructor was a chauvinist pig. “That’s the trouble with women drivers” he would sigh, “If something drops on the floor they cant leave it alone. They have to bend down to pick it up, they stop concentrating and blah … Read more

Village People

The Global village is too damn big. None of us know what we should be doing in this massive overgrown village of ours. I don’t think there should be systematic killing or genocide or enforced sterilisation I just think we have to start thinking small. Not so small that a mouses squeak is a roar. … Read more

Heads Up

I’ve just been informed by my historical friend that Elizabethan hats were an essential part of clothing for men in the ‘Peacock Age’. That they were, in fact, required to wear their headpieces, along with their codpieces, at dinner. The old git has a panoply of hats; straw hats, deerstalkers, Russian military ushankas, a collection … Read more